Last week I was having a chat with cousin about life in general and I decided to confess my jealousy to her, I told her ‘I am very jealous of your life, you may not be rich but you have something that I can only dream and pray the Lord has it in my future’ and she asked me what that was and I simply answered ‘A loving husband and kids‘. I do not know why but nearing 30 has kind of put me on a new found fear that I never gave time or day for. I have mentioned many a time here on this blog how I had this plan “at 23 I would have finished my studies and I would be married and expecting my first child” I figured if my mother could do this, why not me? After all I am her daughter so it should follow suit. I know it sounds crazy but that was how I had figured in my life. Obviously my cousin was surprised but very encouraging telling how everything will happen when I least expect it. I know this is not yet my time to have all of these things and God knows I am fighting so many demons to hold to this belief that my time is to come.
Do not get me wrong, I love my life. I love the luxury that I am currently enjoying, I love that I can travel without giving it a second thought and can do things if and when I feel like it but that does not stop me wishing for something that I seem to only be seeing in my dreams. I am at a point where I hate having such lovely dreams only to wake up to my alone apartment and no little feet running around and no one bugging me shouting ‘mummy, mummy’.
It is so much easy for people not in your situation to say, all in its own time and even though I know that that’s the truth I am still plagued with these thoughts when I least expect them. I am going as far as hating posts on facebook from friends saying they are getting married, they are having a baby etc. I have people telling me they wish they had my life and sometimes I laugh, I know I am blessed but why is it that in this life you feel the grass is greener on the other side on brown on yours? I know I should take it one day at a time and I am honestly trying to do just that but at times even that can be tiring.
On Sunday at church one of our Evangelists said ‘sometimes God stands in front of us stopping us from taking certain routes because he knows this is a bad road for us, we as human don’t always see it as a blessing we start to complain God why do you hate me, why won’t you let me have this and that‘ at that point in time I thought the sermon was meant for me and now though I am still struggling at least I have clarity as to why.