Relationship Advice: The Elephant in the room

Hi there and welcome to another post in the relationship advice series, apologies I have not drafted one in almost 6months now let us just say life got in the way. I love giving relationship advice but I also know that I do not know everything, I have not experienced everything and that everyone’s situation is not the same. How I react to a certain situation is probably not the same way you’re going to respond. Please know my advice should not replace that of trained professionals for I can only give you advice from my point of view or from my personal experience.

Today’s post is trying to cover the metaphorical elephant in the room and this can be anything for anyone. For me it could be, how much of the advice I give do I follow myself? For you it could be, when am I going to stop thinking of the worst thing happening in my relationship or when can I let go of the past and trust the future? All of these questions could come from one person or many people. To answer my own question, I follow almost a 100% of my own advice and I say almost a 100% perfect because I am human who is largely controlled by my emotions. So those times when I should have taken a deep breath and thought everything through I didn’t I flew off the handle and caused a rift in my relationship. But I recognised this and started working on it. I always say the first step to solving a problem in a relationship is to accept that you both view things differently and therefore should work to see it from their point of view and evaluate how much your relationship is worth. I also advise that in every relationship both parties have to want to pull their weight and contribute to the relationship 50/50 otherwise one day the one doing most of the work will start to view it as a burden and that’s where most ends start.
There are those of us who have been in bad relationships before in the past, but one thing we have to remember is that is the past and give the future relationship the benefit of the doubt. When what you think are signs of the old relationship start to come into the new first think about why and if you contributed to it. Discuss with your partner your concerns and not just think the past will repeat itself. If you see no change and your partner is not willing to change them maybe it’s time to move on. I always say make sure you have given it your all and tried your very best before walking away because walking away with regrets is the worse kind of torture.
I am not saying I am perfect or that I have a perfect relationship but that I am willing to work for it as much as the other person. If the willingness is not their at first don’t give up just yet, try carrying the load for both of you and if your partner wakes up to it and starts to help you’re on the road to recovery but your partner doesn’t then it’s time to think about you selfishly. Loving yourself first is very important because then you can love others even more and give them your very best.
  • I agree with your ending note that you really must love yourself. I started advising this to my daughter. And it's not just the love relationships, it's in any kind of relationship…with friends, peers, etc. It is important to value oneself because that is how others will truly regard you.

  • It's great that you're being so honest about this. Sometimes it is tough to give advice when you've encountered the same problems. But that's real life. All we can do is offer our best, most practical solutions, as advice from someone who may has been there, and maybe (or maybe not) followed the best course of action.

  • This looks like a great read. I agree with your advice. This relationship advice is really helpful.

  • What great advice! And such an important point about leaving past relationships in the past. It's so unfortunate when past hurts negatively affect a new relationship. It's something you have to really think about and consciously work to prevent.

  • Interesting article. I definitely believe that loving yourself first is the only way to be in a relationship. You not only make yourself better, but you become a better partner as well. So many good points. Thanks for sharing.

  • Great article! One thing I am in the process of learning to do is to take my own advice. Be a walking sermon. Don't expect things of others that I would not have the toolset to handle and accomplish myself if I were in the same situation. It is imperative for the maturity of a relationship to first accept that not everyone thinks alike.

  • I've had some bad relationships in the past and it's hard when I start to see things seeping into new relationships. I think part of the problem for me is that I have a "type." So obviously, I'm going to keep seeing some of the same issues. I do agree with your last statement, you have to love yourself before you can love others.

  • Loving yourself first is so important. I believe that it's incredibly difficult to love others if you don't appreciate and love yourself first. It can be hard to carry the load for both you and your partner while problems are being addressed but if it's meant to be you'll get there in the end.

  • You have such an interesting blog. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading your posts. All the best for your future blogging journey.

  • I read your article and it is a lot of truth in it. But we must value ourselves before we can have strong relationships with others. All relationships takes efforts on both sides and we must be accountable and not lazy in any type of relationship.

  • Your last comment is very very important. If you don't value yourself and your own feelings, it'll be very difficult to value another person and their values. I would hope that there is a lot more "stick it out" in challenging relationship times than "let it go" moments, but also agree that every situation is different.

    • Thank you, putting number first helps with loving and appreciating others