As we approach the final leg of quarter 3 (Q3) I thought I reflect on this ending quarter. So much had happened and yet I feel that I have little to show for it apart from a bad hair day as I have hair loss problems these days (e’ day) and pieces of my (scattered) and rarely seen self respect. When July started I had made a decision to start making goals which I mostly achieved. I had made decisions in other parts of my life too but disappointed to say I didn’t stick to them. The decisions I didn’t fulfil is what took away all the self respect I thought I harboured. People have come into my life, taken a p*** and at the same time take my good nature and good will for granted and took me for a fool. I have been brought up to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, respect them and care for them like family. But it looks like not everyone was raised that way just me and my siblings and probably half the world. I am sick and tired of being “ok” with the lies, hurt, disappointment and lack of trust. I don’t like to lie or appreciate being lied to because I think its wrong and despicable.
Going back to reflecting….
July is my birth month and my blogaversary month, I love having these two special things to celebrate. I looked back at my birthday last year and my first day blogging, last year was so special but this year was even more so. Remember my birthday wishlist where I talked about wanting to go to Paris for my birthday weekend? well that didn’t happen because I got to spend all day shopping and running around with my nephew, my parents and siblings. I could not have asked for more and this trumps Paris anytime. My blogaversary was a bit calmer and collected, I was fortunate enough to pair up with some lovely bloggers who supported me and I am so grateful. After my birthday and blogaversary I started to feel a bit overwhelmed with everything and blogging slowly started to take a back seat.
When August came along I was far into this “Don’t feel like blogging” phase that to even get a post up was more struggle than I had the courage. I was also very scared at this point that maybe I am losing my passion and love for blogging. It is one thing to have writer’s block or needing some space from the blogging world but its another to start feeling like blogging is a chore and no long fun and a hobby. I felt all these things but as you can see it is yet to shut me down completely from blogging. Reflecting on this month of august has been hard because so many “not so nice” things have happened but I will keep my chin up and walk the walk proudly. Sometimes I feel like questioning the people who seem to think I am stronger than I look/feel/know, because sometimes I just wanna be weak just for a moment.
What do I want to see happen in September and what do I want to talk about in my next quarter reflection? I have so many questions, so many ideas, so many plans but the one thing I want first and foremost is an internal peace. I just want the voices to quite down a moment and let me just be me and not think of how many people I need to help, should do things for, am expected to do/be etc. I don’t want to have to wear the face so no one sees the hurt, the tiredness or the black under eyes from lack of sleep. I want peace for me, for my family, for my friends and for the world.
I apologies for the sad post but my soul felt like pouring it out, I have never been one to keep it bottled up for too long it suffocates me.