Hello Guys&Dolls, some of you are coming from my other blog AJD to finish this emotionally wonderful story.
To this day, she has no clue I got sick. After a while, I actually got fed up of what was going on with me, I was not dating the boyfriend I mentioned any more, and I said to myself “This has to stop”. So I went totally on my own to therapy this time, that I combined with a nutriologist therapy (with a special diet), and exercise (ballet and contemporary, but giving classes). So, from 64 I went to 48 in around a year, without throwing up one single time, and, accepting myself even more. The psychologist took forever to make me understand I was not ever gonna weigh 42 kilos ever again because my metabolism has changed, and of course, I am not 18 anymore, and she taught me many things, that is what I wanna point out in here. No matter how much I weigh (I am now between 48 and 50 depending on my lifestyle).
I am always gonna look fat to myself, but I’ve learned to love that. Some people think I am pretty and that I have a gorgeous body (their words, not mine), so, maybe not all of them are wrong, and I’ve learned that the “fatness” is an illusion, and even if I was, that doesn’t make me unworthy or ugly, so, whenever I gain a little bit of weight, I start taking care of my diet, eating a lot of salads, and of course, exercising, and thats a way I keep myself healthy. The will to throw up, is constantly there, but I fight with it, and I feel very proud each time I have avoided it for the past years, like alcoholics, one day at the time. I have a nice interior: I am a person full of love, and I love to give it to my family, my friends, all the animals, and I also try to cultivate myself every day a little bit. That’s a good thing. Even if I was “fat” that would not go away. I have a man that loves me and I’m sure he sees in me way much more qualities than I do, and if he does, I’m sure I have more nice things than just a body or a face. I dedicate more time to my friends and family now, because they are the people who love me and see good things in me, and I’m sure they would still be with me even if I was “fat”, so, I am less selfish because every person has something nice to show you and teach you.
I take a lot of care of my appearance without being a freak: Nice makeup, hair and clothes, always make me feel more secure, and especially if my outfit is funky, probably the people will look more at it instead of examining my body (I know they don’t, but that’s the way you think sometimes). I’ve found hobbies that are good for me but at the same time keep me away from thinking too much in fake complexes: painting, photography, and writing. I avoid long long times in front of the mirror because if I do that, instead of seeing the good things, I’m gonna concentrate in defects (that everybody has, I know, but after having an eating disorder) the tiniest thing can cause a catastrophe. I’ve talked about it with my closest friends, and they’ve always show me support. And finally: I’ve learnt to love myself for what I am as a person, and not depending on the acceptance of the others. This is the longest process, but every day something good happens, a lick on the face of my dog, a nice breakfast someone makes to me, finding a coin on the street, and then I say “hey, I am OK, I deserve this things!” Still a long way to go, but I am also proud of myself of recovering.
You are, you are, and yes, you are beautiful. We ALL are in a way or another, and you are blessed with life. Life is too short to spend it suffering in all the things you are not or you don’t have. It is better to spend it enjoying every single moment, share the moments, when possible, and believe that you are good enough to receive all the good things you have in it. Everybody is different and that is what makes us beautiful. Black, white, brown, yellow skin, Asian, Latin, African, European or mixed features, eyes in all colors, all kinds of bodies: curvy, plump, skinny, sandclock. If you spend your life trying to achieve something you are not (Like Natalia Vodianova looks) you will never be happy, and there is something in you, that always stands out: Your eyes, your hair, your style, your sense of humor, your body. But WE CAN’T HAVE IT ALL. Be happy with what you have, and feel thankful for it. After all, if we were all Natalia Vodianova, there would be no fun! Spoil yourself: you deserve it, and it will make you feel special. You can treat yourself to a bubble bath, an ice cream, a walk on the park, a glass of wine. Something that helps me also is to feel sexy (not slutty). A nice v cut every now and then, nice underwear, heels. Probably no one will notice, but you will feel good.
Thank you for reading my good friend’s story, if you would like to know more about her please check out her blog (Dharia’s closet) she features a lot of people from other countries.
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